How to Flirt With a Girl in Person (Without Being Weird)

To flirt with a girl, show interest a little more openly than you would with a friend and keep it light enough that she can play along or wave it off without any awkwardness. In practice that means holding eye contact a beat longer, teasing her about small things she chose (never things she can't change), giving compliments about her taste or her opinions instead of her body, and smiling like you're enjoying yourself, because hopefully you are. Touch comes last, and only if she's already moving closer. And if she gets shorter with you, you ease off. Watching for that is half of flirting.

This post covers the in-person version. If you're doing this through a phone screen, read how to flirt over text instead, since the rules shift once she can't see your face.

What flirting actually looks like

Most guys picture flirting as a set of lines, which is why it goes badly for most guys. In practice it works more like a tone. You're having a normal conversation, but you let a little warmth and mischief leak into it, and you make it obvious you're paying attention to her specifically. Picture the version of you that comes out after two hours with your favorite people, when you're relaxed and giving people a hard time and laughing at your own bad jokes. That guy, pointed at one person. It's also most of what younger guys mean by rizz, if you've been wondering.

The useful part is that a tone is deniable in both directions. If she likes it, she raises it a notch. If she doesn't, nobody has to make a speech about it. You both just go back to talking about the playlist. That deniability is what keeps it comfortable for her, so don't kill it by jumping straight to "So are you single?" in minute two.

The five things that do most of the work

Teasing that's kind

Good teasing is affectionate. You're poking at a choice she made, and the joke lands because you both know you don't mean it. Bad teasing (the "negging" stuff) is a put-down wearing a joke costume, and women spot it instantly.

A simple test: would you say this to a friend you like, in front of their mom? Then it's probably fine. Tease what she picked, ordered or said. Leave her looks, weight, job, intelligence and accent alone.

You ordered a vodka soda at a brewery. I respect the commitment to chaos.

Okay, you've mentioned your cat three times. I'm starting to think he's the one who sent you out tonight.

You said "a little competitive" right before you destroyed me at shuffleboard. I want a recount.

And when she teases you back, take it. Laugh, concede the point, maybe overreact a little. Getting defensive when someone teases you is the fastest way to make the whole exchange feel tense.

Compliments that are about her, specifically

"You're beautiful" is nice, and she's heard it from strangers on the train. A compliment about something she chose or said tells her you've been listening, and it doesn't put her on the spot about her body in a room full of people.

That's a great jacket. Did you find that somewhere or is it a family heirloom situation?

You tell stories really well. You did the voice for your landlord and everything.

Honestly, that's the best defense of ranch on pizza I've ever heard. I still disagree, but I'm shaken.

You have a great laugh. I'm going to try to get it again.

Give one, then move on. Don't stack three compliments in a row and wait for a reaction. That turns a nice moment into a performance review she has to respond to.

Later on, especially on a date where you both know why you're there, a compliment about how she looks is fine as long as it's simple and not a body part. "You look great tonight" works. Anything more anatomical can wait until you know each other a lot better, and honestly, probably forever in a public setting.

Eye contact

This is the quiet one, and it carries a lot of weight. When she's talking, look at her, not at the TV over the bar or the door. When there's a pause and you're both smiling, let the eye contact sit a second longer than feels normal before you say something. That small pause reads as interest more clearly than any line you could come up with.

What you're avoiding is the stare. If you notice you haven't blinked or looked away in a while, glance at your drink, laugh, look back. Eye contact should feel warm, and if she keeps breaking it and not coming back, that tells you something.

Touch, and only when she's clearly into it

Touch is where good flirting and bad flirting split the hardest, so be conservative. The order goes: she shows interest first, then a small touch on a neutral spot (a light tap on the forearm when you're laughing, a hand on her upper back to steer through a crowd), then you watch what happens.

Signs she's reciprocating:

• She's already touched your arm or shoulder at some point.
• She leans in or stays close after the touch.
• She keeps talking with the same energy, or more.

Signs to stop and not try again:

• She shifts away, crosses her arms, or her smile goes polite.
• She doesn't touch you back at all over a long conversation.
• She's talking to you over her shoulder.

If you're unsure, don't. Nobody has ever lost a good connection because they didn't touch someone's arm. Plenty of guys have lost one by doing it too early.

Saying what you mean, at some point

Flirting that never goes anywhere starts to feel like you're just killing time. At some point you name it, lightly.

I'm really glad I came over here.

I'd like to keep talking to you. Can I get your number?

This has been the best part of my night, and I don't say that about a lot of nights involving a Tuesday trivia league.

That gives her a clear moment to say yes, or to say she's heading out. Both are useful answers.

How to subtly flirt with a girl

A lot of people search for the subtle version, usually because they're worried about coming on too strong, or because the setting (a class, a friend group, a coworker situation) makes being obvious feel risky. Subtle flirting is mostly attention plus a little extra warmth:

• Remember something she said earlier and bring it back. "Wait, did you ever decide between the Denver trip and the New Orleans one?"
• Save her a seat, or make room for her in a circle at a party.
• Laugh at her jokes when they're funny, and give her a hard time when they aren't.
• Ask her opinion on something and actually take it.
• Smile when she walks up.

Subtle has a limit, though. If you've been subtle for six weeks and she has no idea you like her, you haven't been flirting. You've been her nice friend who knows a lot about her weekend plans. At some point you need to say it plainly or ask her out, which this guide to asking a girl out covers.

A note on coworkers: be careful. If you work together, one clear invitation is the most you should ever make, and if she says no or gives a vague answer, it's a no. Same goes for anyone who reports to you, where the honest answer is just don't.

At a bar

Bars are hard because she didn't come there to meet you. She came to see her friends, or to watch football, or to get out of her apartment. Your job is to be a nice surprise, and to leave quickly if you're not.

Start with something about the shared situation, not her looks:

Are you guys here for trivia? Because we just lost to a team called "Quiz Khalifa" and I need allies.

Okay, settle something for us. Is a hot dog a sandwich? My friend's getting very worked up.

I've been staring at this menu for five minutes. What's good here?

If she answers with a full sentence, asks you something back, or turns her body toward you, keep going. Tease something small, give a specific compliment once you've actually learned something about her, and after ten or fifteen minutes of good conversation, ask for her number. Don't camp out at her table for an hour. Leaving while it's going well is better for both of you, and you can plan a real date once you have the number.

If she gives one-word answers, keeps looking at her friends, or says she's here with her boyfriend, smile, say "Have a good night," and go back to your group. No "Can I at least buy you a drink?" No lingering. Exiting cleanly is part of being someone women are comfortable talking to in a bar.

At a friend's party

Parties are easier. You have a mutual friend, so you're not a stranger, and the setting is built for mingling. You also have more to lose socially if you're a creep, because the host will hear about it.

The opener can be as simple as how you know the host:

How do you know Marcus? I'm trying to figure out which part of his life everyone here is from.

Did you make that dip? Because if you did, I need to tell you it's the reason I'm still here.

Party flirting can be slower. Talk for a while, drift off to refill your drink or talk to someone else, then come back later. Coming back is itself a signal, and it gives her room to decide whether she's into it without you hovering. If she seeks you out the second time, that's a good sign.

Two party-specific rules. Don't corner her in the kitchen for two hours while she's glancing at the door. And if she's clearly had a lot to drink, keep the conversation friendly and save anything more for another day when you're both sober. Get her number, or ask your friend to connect you later.

On a date

On a date you both know there's interest, so the uncertainty drops and you can be more direct. That also means there's less excuse for flirting by accident. If you like her, show it.

Things that work well on a date:

I was a little nervous about tonight. You've made that really easy.

You do this thing where you get very serious right before the punchline. It's working.

Okay, I'm officially jealous of your Sunday routine. Farmers market and a nap? That's the dream.

Sit next to her at the bar instead of across a table if the place allows it. It makes light touch and eye contact feel natural rather than staged. A hand on her back as you walk out, or brushing her hand while you're both reaching for the check, is normal on a good date. Kissing is its own topic, but the same rule applies: lean in partway and let her close the distance.

If you need things to talk about while you're doing all this, what to talk about on a first date has 30 questions.

When she's not into it, and how to dial back

Reading this part well matters more than any line in this post. Flirting is an offer. She gets to turn it down, and most women turn it down quietly instead of saying "I'm not interested," because saying it out loud to a stranger can feel unsafe or awkward.

The quiet versions of no:

• Short answers, and she never asks you a question back.
• Her body faces away, toward her friends or the exit.
• She mentions a boyfriend, an early morning, or that her friends are waiting.
• Her laugh turns polite, the closed-mouth kind.
• She steps back when you step closer.
• She pulls out her phone mid-conversation and keeps scrolling.

One of these on its own can mean she's tired or distracted. Two or three together mean dial back. Dialing back means dropping the teasing and the eye contact, keeping your hands to yourself, and either switching to plain friendly conversation or wrapping up:

Anyway, I'll let you get back to your friends. Nice meeting you.

Good luck with the move this weekend. Hope the couch fits.

Then actually leave. Don't circle back later in the night to try again. Don't ask her friend what her deal is. And if she says no directly, take her at her word, say "No worries, have a good night," and mean it. That's the end of it. You'll feel a sting for about twenty minutes, and then you'll have a story about Quiz Khalifa.

If you want a fuller list of what interest looks like, signs a girl likes you goes into more detail, including the signals people misread most often.

Mistakes that make flirting feel off

A few things reliably make women uncomfortable, even when the guy means well:

• Compliments about her body from someone she met five minutes ago.
• Teasing that keeps going after she's stopped laughing.
• Asking if she has a boyfriend before you've had a real conversation.
• Trying to get her away from her friends.
• Treating a "no" as the start of a negotiation.
• Using a line you read online word for word, including the ones in this post. Change them to fit you. They should sound like something you'd say.

None of this guarantees she'll be interested. Some nights she won't be, and plenty of times it'll have nothing to do with you. What it does is make you a person who's fun to talk to and easy to say no to, which happens to be the same person women are more likely to say yes to. More on building that kind of ease in the confidence section.